"Lawyer? Man you're gonna need a lot more than that," the man laughs. You begin to yell and eventually a guard comes back with your lawyer. You're taken into a small room to talk to him. "Thank God, you're here," you say. "What the hell happened?"\nYour lawyer looks grim. "John, do you remember anything from last night?"\n"ummmm, no. After the mushrooms, I sort of blacked out."\n"John, your ex-wife is dead." "Rebecca?" "Yes. And you killed her."\n[["With my claws?|11A]]\n[[You fall to your knees and dramatically yell to the heavens. "NOOOOOO!!!!|11B]]
You and Billy Rae get up, taking turns on the verses, and throwing in some killer harmonies on the chorus. The entire party comes alive and you realize that you've finally found him. You've found your Daryll Hall. The two of you are elated when you're done and he turns to you, "Will you be my John Oates?" "Yes, yes, a thousand times yes."\n***\nFour years later and two platinum albums later, you look at yourself in the mirror one morning and ask "John, what's your greatest accomplishment?" Slowly, you drop your toothbrush and say outloud, "John, you fool..."
Bob gives you a wink and you put the package of mushrooms in your pocket. Walking around the room, you get a few pats on the back. "Happy birthday, man" you here and you almost feel in another world. Eventually, you settle into the corner of the room and look around at the party passing you by. Ashley Olsen showed up with her new boyfriend, Yao Ming. She literally comes up to his thighs.\n"Just thinking of the logistics of that blows your mind, doesn't it?" The voice breaks you from your stare. You look over and see a woman you've never met before.\n"Do I know you?"\n"Nope, I'm just a friend of a friend."\nYou smile and chat for a bit. "God, you're rusty at this," you think. You've been out of the game for a bit.\n[["So, umm, want to do some mushrooms?"|6E]]\n[["So, umm, how 'bout them Mets?"|6F]]\n
[[Written for the Choosatron|http://choosatron.com/stories-to-play/]]
The phone rings. You walk over and pick it up only to hear the voice of Mike Love on the phone. "JOHN!" he says. "Mike? Where are you? What's..." "John, you need to come down to Maui, we're having a party!" You reply,\n[["I'll be there by tonight!"|2A]]\n[["Mike, sorry, but I have a pilot to film today."|2D]]\n
You are John Phillip Stamos and you wake up in the morning, get out of bed, and as you methodically brush your wonderful teeth, you think to yourself, "John, what's your greatest accomplishment?" Slowly, you drop your toothbrush and say outloud, "John, you fool...\n[["playing drums with the Beach Boys."|1A]]\n[["playing Jesse Katsopolis in Full House."|1B]]\n[["you haven't even nearly reached your potential yet."|1C]]\n
The phone rings. You pick it up and hear your agent say, "John, are you ready to win that Emmy you've always dreamed of?" "An Emmy? You think this sitcom about a gay alien who falls in love with a human who's part of an elite anti-alien army is going to be Emmy-worthy?" "Of course I do!" You say,\n[["You're damned right, I'm heading over to the studio now|2D]]\n[["I don't know, I'm going to call Bob Saget & see if he wants to party instead|2E]]\n
The phone rings. You pick it up and hear the voice of Bob Saget. "JOHN!" he yells. "Bob? Is that you? Where are you? What's..." "You've gotta come to New York, we're all partying!" You reply,\n[["Hot Damn! I'll be there tonight!"|2C]]\n[["Sorry, Bob, I'm filming a pilot today."|2D]]\n
You move around the room, excited to see your friends. Yusef Islam is there, Ashley Olsen is making out with a clown (Mary Kate is in Bali), and the ghost of Richard Nixon even made it. "God, it's soooo good to see you Dick!" Richard Nixon embraces you and you cry in his arms. When you've finished you're in a forest and you see a bear and an antelope line up on a race track. They begin to run. You yell,\n[["GO BEAR!"|8A]]\n[["Go Antelope!"|8B]]\n
"Wrong choice kimosabe." Bob dislocates your shoulder before letting you up and slamming the door.\nYou go back out to the street and watch taxis pass you by. You don't even try to flag one down. Eventually you slump to the curb and sink into a deep melancholy. You look into a puddle and say, "John, what's your greatest accomplishment?" Out loud you respond, "John, you fool..."
Two hours later, you're on your knees praying and weeping.\n"You're forgiven, John." Bob says and takes you into his arms. The next day, the three of you go to Loving Mercy Holy Spirit Vineyard church that meets in an old Walmart. You feel a great sense of relief and you and Kirk Cameron start a new Christian internet tv station, which fails in three months. You also start a band called the Two Sets of Footprints on the Beach Boys.
"A double Maker's Mark," you say to the bartender. "Make that two" a voice says behind you. You turn and see Billy Ray Cyrus. "Hey Billy," you say warmly, "didn't think I'd see you here." "Yeah, well, I needed to distract myself for a bit and Mike introduced me to his new spiritual guru."\n[["God, not another fucking cult leader!"|4C]]\n[["God, I could use a spiritual awakening."|4D]]\n
"Who's at the door?" you hear. Rebecca curls the corner of her mouth and turns, "it's John, honey."\n"Honey?" Then you raise your voice, "HONEY?"\nBob comes to the door wiping his hands on a towel. He smiles. "John, I'm so glad you could come."\n[[You punch Bob Saget in the face.|4E]]\n[[You punch Rebecca Romijn in the face.|4F]]\n
Mike nods. "I know. I can see it in your work." You gulp, "Really?" "Yeah," that episode of Two and a Half Men you did last year lacked... I guess it lacked a real sense of inner Kimcha."\n... "What's Kimcha?" "You know, love demons that make your actions full of meaning."\n\n[[You put down your drink and slowly walk away.|6C]]\n[["Tell me more about how to get more Kimcha."|6D]]\n
You catch just enough to throw your silky smooth harmonies onto the last chorus of Kokomo. Mike Love puts an arm around you as you two take it into the sunset. "John!" he yells afterward. I'm so glad you could make it, come meet my wife! "You got married?" you ask. "Of course, didn't I tell you? This is my wedding!" You say,\n[["Um, what happened to Jacqueline, you know, the woman you're already married to?"|4A]]\n[["I can't wait to meet the lucky gal!"|4B]]\n
Billy Rae punches you in the face and you're out cold. A little while later, Mike raises you from the ground and hands you an ice pack. "Thanks, man" you say. "You know what John? You're an asshole," he says as he walks away.\nYou wander away and decide to call Bob Saget to see if he wants to hang out.\n[[You call Bob Saget|6B]]
You spit your pina colada all over Mike's Hawaiian shirt tuxedo. "Jesus, John." You apologize. "But seriously, Mike, you entered into a bigamous marriage with Miley fucking Cyrus? Does Billy Ray know about this?" "Of course he does! When did you become such a goddamned prude John? You know what, I don't want you here any more. You should leave."\n[[You apologize profusely|6A]]\n[[You sulk away and call Bob Saget to see if he wants to party|6B]]\n
Bob relents and lets you stand up. "Look, Bob, I don't know what came over me... I just..." "Shut up John and listen up. Rebecca and I are in love and you can't do anything about it. We thought we could break it to you like adults, but obviously we can't. Get out and never call me again.\nYou go back out to the street and watch taxis pass you by. You don't even try to flag one down. Eventually you slump to the curb and sink into a deep melancholy. You look into a puddle and say, "John, what's your greatest accomplishment?" Out loud you respond, "John, you fool..."
"A CULT LEADER? Is that what you just called him? You know what? Fuck you. I don't need your negative energy here."\n[[You apologize profusely.|6A]]\n[[You sulk away and decide to call Bob Saget to see if he wants to party.|6B]]\n\n
"You know what? Fuck you. Get out of here, right now. How dare you doubt my spiritual intentions here."\n[[You apologize profusely.|6A]]\n[[You leave the party and decide to call Bob Saget to see if he wants to party.|6B]]\n\n
You obviously didn't watch enough afterschool specials to foresee how this would turn out. Basically, it goes like this, Mr. Sucks at Not Giving in to Peer Pressure: you do too much and end up getting foamy and all medical and turn white and die in a hospital.\nThe good news is that The Beach Boys have a reunion show at your funeral.
"Always be prepared," she laughs. "Seriously, though, you wanna get really gone?"\n[["No."|8G]]\n[["Like Ben Affleck, I do."|7D]]
Joe frowns at you and turns to Mike. "I thought you said this fucking guy wanted to find some goddamned inner peace? What is this?" Mike apologizes for you, "No, no, he wants peace. Don't you John?" You apologize too and take the rest of the mushrooms.\nJoe laughs. "I was just kidding. You give into peer pressure too easily." The two of them move you into an enormous teepee that is being used as a sweat lodge. Inside are a few faces you recognize and a few other strangers. A very naked Henry Rollins walks over and starts to disrobe you. Part of you wants to resist, but the mushrooms are starting to work and so you end up naked and sitting on a bench. Joe begins to give a short sermon, but your mind is wandering. You see a bear and an antelope line up on a race track. They begin to run. You yell,\n[["GO BEAR!"|8A]]\n[["Go Antelope!"|8B]]\n
Joe looks at you with his calm eyes and nods. Mike, slaps your back "Atta boy, let's get this going!" The two of them move you into an enormous teepee that is being used as a sweat lodge. Inside are a few faces you recognize and a few other strangers. A very naked Henry Rollins walks over and starts to disrobe you. Part of you wants to resist, but the mushrooms are starting to work and so you end up naked and sitting on a bench. Joe begins to give a short sermon, but your mind is wandering. You see a bear and an antelope line up on a race track. They begin to run. You yell,\n[["GO BEAR!"|8A]]\n[["Go Antelope!"|8B]]\n
You wake in a cold sweat upon cold, hard concrete. You look around wildly and see prison bars. "Look who's awake," a voice says, "It's Uncle Jesse." You turn to see an enormous man with a beard and a white power tattoo on his forehead.\n[["Are you a fan of the show?" you ask|10B]]\n[["I want my fucking lawyer."|10A]]\n
You collapse into tears and embrace your ex-wife only to see her crumble into dust.\n\n... You open your eyes again and Joe Pesci is standing over you. "Have you had a vision, my son?" "Yes, it was terrifying and beautiful," you say. He nods and then kisses you on the lips.\nHe looks up to the others, "Welcome Brother John into our family." The voices return: "Welcome Brother John."\nOver the next decade you help build Brother Joe Pesci's organization into a full-fledged religion. You now go about in a monk's habit with a tonsured head. You have discovered a great inner peace. You, Mike Love, Joe Pesci, and Henry Rollins also record an album that makes it to #15 on the CMJ charts. Pitchfork gives it a 6.7.
Your agent was wrong. Apparently, this is no longer a 30 minute sitcom. Richard Linklater took over the show and it's become a longform drama. You start to panic. "I'm not ready for this," you say and then you remember that man in the mirror this morning. "John, you fool, you haven't even nearly reached your potential yet."\nAt the studio, you emerge from makeup and Linklater greets you. "Hi John, great to meet you. I want to jump right into scene two with Mandy to film the sex scene if that's alright with you."\n"Wait, Mandy Moore is in this?"\n"No, Mandy Patinkin."\n[["Oh, right. Well, as long as it's tasteful."|4K]]\n[["Ewwwww dude, I'm totally not into dudes."|4J]]
Dinner doesn't go so well. There is an uncomfortable silence for most of the time and you fly home early the next morning. You call your agent to see if you can get into that pilot afterall, but they've given the part to William Baldwin.
Mandy doesn't text you back. "Dude's become such a dick ever since 'Homeland' took off. All of a sudden he's too cool for school." You text a few other friends telling them about Mandy being a dick. They agree.\nWhen you get to the studio, you haven't read a lick of the script, so you get someone to give you a synopsis during makeup. "Sounds great," you say.\nWhen you finally get on set, Richard Linklater comes up to you. "Hi, John, listen I want to change things up and start with you in scene 2 to get the emotional tone right, is that fine by you?"\nYou look around. "Wait, when did you become the director?"\n"Oh, they didn't tell you? I took over the show last week and completely rewrote it. That's why I sent over the new script. You have read the new script, right?"\n[["The script? Listen dude, I have a method and I prefer improv.|4J]]
Rebecca kisses you on the cheek. "It's been a while," she says. "Is it John?" you hear from inside. Bob Saget appears, wiping his hands on a towel. "John, it's so good to see you" he says as you embrace. He brings you in and the living room is empty.\n[["Does this mean there's no mushrooms?"|4G]]\n[["So, it's just the three of us. That's great."|4H]]
Your new friend, Gary, tells you his plan and over the next 2 weeks the two of you work non-stop on the escape. It works. You kill three prison guards, but you get away and flee to the Upper Peninsula, where you build a cabin with Gary. The two of you spend the rest of your lives as great friends.
In the backseat of the car, you open a script entitled "World's Apart." Your agent described it as a sitcom about a gay alien who falls in love with a human who's part of an elite anti-alien army and called it a "surefire hit, you know like Two and a Half Men meets Modern Family meets Alien Nation." "I loved Alien Nation," you think. "I should text Mandy Patinkin and tell him." You,\n[[text "MANDY! U wer soooo awesome in Alien Nation! We should get drinks soon.|3E]]\n[[Decide to read the script|3F]]\n
The later flight to NY was cancelled, so you catch the flight out the next day, still hoping to catch some of the party. "God, Bob knows how to party," you think. When you show up to the his condo, the door is slightly ajar and the floor is a mess with bottles and broken plates. "Bob?," you ask to a silent room. Walking toward the bedroom, you finally come upon the bloated body of your friend Bob Saget. The coroner will later release the details of his drug overdose. Had you been there the night before, you could have prevented it, but because you're indecisive and a terrible friend, Bob Saget is dead. Congratulations, asshole.
"I LOVE THE METS!"\n"Oh, ummm. I was kind of joking."\nShe gives you a glare. "Listen dude, if you want to be a creep, that's cool, but don't fuck with the Mets."\nThat didn't go well. She walks away and you sit alone in the corner of the room. You mingle a bit more and then put your hand in your pocket and fish out the mushrooms. You put them all in your mouth.\n[[5I]]
A car picks you up at the airport and takes you to a mansion situated along the beach. As you walk up, you hear a voice blaring through a PA system. You walk to the back of the house and Mike Love at the front the party singing "Kokomo" into a karaoke machine. You\n[[get up there and start harmonizing|3A]]\n[[walk over to the bar... this requires drinking|3B]]
Bob brings you a glass of champagne. "Well, we thought it would be fun to have a nice, quiet dinner."\n"What about the mushrooms," you ask.\n"Well, there are some great mushrooms in the pasta sauce, but not those kind."\n"You're kidding, right? I came out from California for this?"\n"Well, Rebecca thought... I mean I also thought that we were a little worried about your soul."\n"My soul?"\n"Yes, your spiritual life. You know that Jesus loves you and died for your sins."\n[["Wait, Jesus? Tell me more."|5K]]\n[["Holy shit. I gotta go."|5L]]
As you ride over to Bob Saget's apartment you think about the last time the two of you took mushrooms together. "That guy knows how to get hold of great mushrooms," you think. You walk excitedly to the door, where you're greeted by your ex-wife, Rebecca Romijn. You say, \n[["What the hell are you doing here?"|3C]]\n[["Hello, Rebecca. It's nice to see you."|3D]]\n
Rebecca catches your fist and snaps your arm back. It breaks and you fall to your knees. "Bag him, Bob." Your vision goes black as a bag goes over your head. Your arms, one broken, are tied up behind your back. "God, please no," you yell. "To late, John. Too fucking late."\nYou hear movement and then you're picked up from the ground. Eventually you're thrown in the back of a trunk and driven for a while.\nThe water seeps in through the bag when you hit the river. Slowly you drown and as you do you ask "John, what's your greatest accomplishment?" Out loud you respond, "John, you fool..."
"In a way, yes. Things don't look good for you." Your lawyer continues and the reality begins to dawn on you. You're going to spend the rest of your life in prison. You're a murderer. You return to your cell and the neo-nazi prisoner has his way with you.
"What's that John?" Mike comes over and slaps you on the back. You and Billy look at each other and Billy slowly backs away.\n[["Well, I think I could use some of that guru power."|5D]]
Bob catches your fist in the towel--taut between his hands--and pulls your arm back behind you. "Get him," your ex-wife yells as Bob puts his knee on your back and press you to the ground. He leans down and whispers, "Is that how you want to play this, John? Is that really how you want to play this?" Rebecca yells, "Take him out, Bob!"\n[[You apologize profusely.|5G]]\n[["Fuck you, Bob. You go to hell."|5H]]\n
"John, this is Miley; Miley, this is John Stamos." "John who?" Miley Cyrus innocently. "John Stamos," you say, "I used to play in the Beach Boys." "Well it's such a pleasure to meet you!" Mike takes you by the shoulder and starts talking excitedly about his new spiritual guru. "I can't explain how great it's been, John. I'm like a new man."\n[["You're sure it's not the sex with an 18 year old?"|5B]]\n[["Awesome. Because the thing I was thinking the Beach Boys needed was a cult-leader. That's what they were missing."|5C]]\n[["You know Mike, I could use a spiritual awakening."|5D]]
"Yeah, tell me about it," Billy Rae says. "I thought it was bad before, but hey at least it's not Scientology!" The two of you laugh, not really sure if it's funny or not. Then Billy Rae stops laughing, "Hey, you wanna get up there and sing Achey Breaky Heart?"\n\n[["I thought you'd never ask."|5E]]\n[["You couldn't think of a shittier song?"|5F]]
"Jacqueline who?" "Um, um," you stumble until Mike slaps you on the back. "Just kidding, I'm still married to her too!" "She married Miley too."\n[["Miley. Miley Cyrus?"|5A]]\n[["You old dog you!"|4B]]\n
Mike relents, but turns cold to you. You walk around the party wondering why you're the only one who seems weirded out by the idea of Mike Love and his wife marrying an 18 year old starlet. The wedding starts and you stare at the ceremony from the back, you eyes blurring over and sinking back into your thoughts. You're lonely. So, so lonely.
Bob doesn't pick up his phone, but you see on facebook that he was throwing one of his 3 day benders. "I should just surprise him," you say to yourself and go to book the next flight.\n[[2E]]
You walk around the party thinking about Kimcha and Mike and the whole damned bizarre thing. You wonder what Bob Saget is doing and you decide to call him up.\n[[You call Bob Saget.|6B]]\n
Mike laughs and takes you by the shoulder. "You've got so much to learn my friend, but first you need to meet Joe." "Joe who?" "Joe Pesci, my spiritual guru."\nThe two of you walk over and you're instantly struck by how different Joe Pesci seems from his movie persona. He's so serene and wise. Joe walks over to you and holds out his hand. In it 12 mushrooms.\n[[You take them all and put them in your mouth.|7A]]\n[[You take a medium-sized mushroom and eat it.|7B]]\n
"How about something more adult than magic mushrooms?" She pulls out a large case with a syringe, a belt, and heroine in it.\n[["Jesus, where did that come from? Did you buy that at Target or something? It looks like a Boy scout packed that."|7C]]\n[["Atta girl. You don't play around, do you?|7D]]\n\n
You're taken into a small room to talk to him. "Thank God, you're here," you say. "What the hell happened?"\nYour lawyer looks grim. "John, do you remember anything from last night?"\n"ummmm, no. After the mushrooms, I sort of blacked out."\n"John, your ex-wife is dead." "Rebecca?" "Yes. And you killed her."\n[["With my claws?|11A]]\n[[You fall to your knees and dramatically yell to the heavens. "NOOOOOO!!!!|11B]]
Your emotions have triggered the mushrooms again and you lose vision again. You black out and find out later that you've stabbed your lawyer with a pen 362 time in the throat. You are executed 4 years later after a long appeals process.
The antelope runs fast, evading everything that tries to stop it (pidgeons, anvils, the North Koreans). You're yelling and cheering the antelope on and it eventually comes to the finish line, but when it gets there, you realize that you are now the bear. At the finish line, you're greeted by your ex-wife, Rebecca Romijn, who moves to put a silver medal around your neck.\n\n[[You attack the cold-hearted bitch.|9A]]\n[[A tear comes to your eye as she says, "Well done good and faithful servant."|9B]]
The bear gallops forward, hurtling over chairs, automobiles, and cabinetry, but the antelope runs so much faster. You're yelling and cheering the bear on, but it begins to tire from the run. It eventually comes to the finish line, but when it gets there, you realize that you are now the bear. At the finish line, you're greeted by your ex-wife, Rebecca Romijn, who moves to put a silver medal around your neck.\n[[You attack the cold-hearted bitch.|9A]]\n[[A tear comes to your eye as she says, "Well done good and faithful servant."|9B]]
When you think they aren't paying attention, you grab a spoon and slurp up some of the steaming gravy. It tastes incredible! You spend a moment too long enjoying it, however, and the mother gently slaps your hand. She laughs, "This is why I don't let men in the kitchen! You just can't help yourself. You go on and join the boys."\n[[7B]]
"Yeah, I was just kidding. This is a gag kit that someone bought me once."\n"You carry a tacklebox sized gag heroine case with you at parties?"\n"Yeah, you got a problem with that?"\n"No. But I'm in love with you."\n"I thought you'd say that."\nThis is where things get very cliched. You make out for a bit on the balcony, take her home, take her to Thanksgiving with your family. You get married a year later and Ashley Olsen is your flower girl.
You sit up and start talking to the prisoner. He turns out to be very funny and not really that much of a racist. "Well, we all have a deep racism in us because of the society in which we are a part," he says, "but this tattoo was forced upon me by some other inmates." He eventually tells you that you're in prison because you killed your ex-wife in a drug-induced rage. "Don't worry, though, I'm breaking out of here."\n[["Umm, I think I should talk to my lawyer first|11C]]\n[["I'm in. I need to get out of here."|11D]]
"Surprise!" A crowd of people jump out from behind couches and out of doors. Bob laughs and he pulls out a handful of mushrooms. "You know me so well!" you laugh.\n[[You take the handful and pop them like skittles.|5I]]\n[["I'll give 'em a try later."|5J]]
by Wes Burdine
People tell you later that it's not the fastest that someone has been fired from a tv show. I mean, once Emmanuel Lewis got fired before he got finished with makeup. Here's what happens: Linklater changes the film into a new groundbreaking drama that plumbs the depths of racism in society and reimagines the serialized form of television. It makes The Wire look like Two and A Half Men. Your replacement Paul Reubens wins so many Golden Globes that he begins thanking you in his speeches for being so dumb. "I'd like to personally thank Jon Stamos's improv skills..."
"That's the spirit," he pats you on the back. You walk over to the set and Mandy Patinkin is sitting in a small robe, reading the paper.\n"Oh, hi John," he says, "ready for our close up?"\n"I was born for this," you say.\nHe knits his brow, "well, that might be a bit extreme I suppose, but yeah, let's get going."\n***\n13 months later, you're standing on the stage at the Golden Globes. "I don't know where to start, but I'd like to thank all my friends, my agent, Richard Linklater, and my dear friend Mandy Patinkin."\nBackstage you look yourself in the mirror. "John, you fool..."