You kneel for a moment and grab your ID. The moment you do, there is a loud *THWAK* as a knife embeds deeply into the alarm panel, which your head was just blocking. You turn around, the secret agent leaning against the counter with an innocent smile. "I'm shorry to bother you, but have you sheen my knife?"\n\n[[I think so, is it THIS!?!?|11A]]\n[[You almost KILLED me!!!|11B]]\n
[[Written for the Choosatron|]]\n
As you come out of a drug induced state, a sinister looking doctor smiles, "Excellent! You'll vit in juzt vine. Now I need your height vor your ID." You stand against a marked wall.\n\n[[It reads 4'6"|2A]]\n[[It reads 5'5"|2B]]\n[[It reads 6'4"|2C]]\n
How exciting! Your first day working for an ACTUAL mastermind. They were vague in the interviews as to whether he's good or evil...\n\n[[I'm working my way up, who cares!|1A]]\n[[I don't actually want to be evil...|1B]]\n
You're zapped back into reality, literally. The shaky outline of a doctor who was performing a psychological evaluation of your moral compass is the last thing you see as you convulse to the floor. YOU ARE DEAD
You hit the button with annoyance and wait. "A minion!" You cross your arms. The doors open and you stomp empty elevator shaft and plunge to the bottom, a pile of flesh, sinew, and bone. On the plus side you're early for work. YOU ARE DEAD
"It's only my first day, let the others handle it", you think to yourself while putting on your suit.\n\n[[Take a look in the mirror.|4D]]\n[[Peak out into the hall.|4C]]\n
You wander down a hallway, then some stairs to the sub bay, noticing someone rush off as you near. You walk under a large steel door slowly closing and see a room full of bleeding bodies. A quiet moment passes, then an explosion fills the room with a heat so intense that you can smell yourself becoming delicious BBQ before your very life burns away. YOU ARE DEAD
You pound your feet down the stairs, working off the rage of being pegged a 'minion'. At the bottom is a submarine bay where you are given a green rubber suit, rubber shoes, goggles, and a harpoon gun. An alarm sounds and exits start to seal off!\n\n[[Dive under a slowly closing steel door!|4B]]\n[[Take a seat on a crate so your feet aren't tired!|4A]]\n\n
You take the thermos, sipping the hot beverage blissfully, alarms forgotten. Then the minion bumps you, warm liquid splashing on your face. Wiping it you realize it's blood, spurting from your fellow minion's neck. A rugged, cold eyed man stands over you, flicking blood off his knife. You yelp, and he blocks the airborne hot coffee with his arm, grimacing before running off.\n\n[[Chase after him!|6A]]\n[[Try and find reinforcements.|6B]]\n
You head to the cafe, which is disappointingly a Starbucks (where you spent the last three years of your life), henchman rush by frantically, trying not to wrinkle their suits. Suddenly you are alone.\n\n[[Make yourself an espresso.|6C]]\n[[See if your ID card can turn off that annoying alarm.|6D]]\n
You shake your head, deciding to load and cock your harpoon instead. Like a strike of lightning, someone kicks your fellow minion's hot coffee into his face with a piercing Wilhem scream, and just as you instinctually pull the trigger, the stranger's hand pushes the barrel around into your own face. The harpoon pushes through your left eye and out the back of your head making an excellent skylight if a bird were to nest in your hollow skull. YOU ARE DEAD
The group of henchmen, for some reason fighting the agent one at a time, block the stairs up, so you walk past them and spot an elevator for handicap use. It takes seemingly forever, but you are dropped a single floor up in what looks like a really awesome condo...if it were the 70s. You see a bowl of fruit on a coffee table and realize just how hungry you are. Ahead is a large desk and epic leather chair with it's back to you.\n\n[[Approach the desk.|13B]]\n[[Grab a banana for a snack.|13A]]\n
You dive into the fray of well dressed henchmen. You move in to attack the spy from behind, but another henchmen gives you an annoyed look, "This is HENCHMAN work! Get out of here you minion." Baffled, you step back, and watch as they only attack one at a time. You're so stunned that when they are all dead, the agent karate chops your neck without resistance. YOU ARE DEAD
You start to laugh raucously about the idea of having poisoned the espresso. You would have been a hero to the master! But oh, didn't actually do that at all. "I'm afraid I can't have you making all that noise." The PP7 is quickly put to your temple, and you only hear the familiar sound from playing video games as a youth briefly before darkness. YOU ARE DEAD
"Thanks" you manage to sputter. To send the message home that you're just a coffee slinger, you cough slightly and tap the tip jar. "Of Coursh, how bloody rude of me." He shoves a twenty pound note into the jar, nods with a dashing smile, and he's gone down a glass hallway where you hear a group of henchmen shouting.\n\n[[Join the other henchmen!|8D]]\n[[See if there is another way.|8E]]\n
You fire the pistol, hitting the extinguisher on the left edge. Instead of piercing the steel, it ricochets across the hall into a pipe, then back your direction. With the directly inverse type of luck that wins the lottery, it penetrates your skull. YOU ARE DEAD
You raise the pistol, take in a breath, and think about how proud Master will be of you if you drop this meddlesome super spy. He'd probably fire that doctor jerk that made you a minion instead of a henchman. It'll be great! Then...oh, damn, your daydreaming gave him amble time to get away.\n\n[[Chase after him.|8A]]\n[[Try calling Master on a nearby courtesy telephone.|8B]]\n
You spot an alarm panel nearby, and fumble a bit with the menu commands. You pull out your ID to swipe, but look at it for a moment, frowning at the height 4'6" printed on it. It slips from your fingers onto the floor.\n\n[[Pick up your ID.|10A]]\n[[Forget about the alarm, you need to find him.|10B]]\n
You step around the writhing pile of expensive suits and trot up the stairs. You raise a brow at a bronze platypus at the top, noting that it seems like a dangerous place to put something. You take a moment to gauge the room and think it would be a great condo if burnt orange and shag carpet was en vogue.\n\n[[Express your appreciation at the decor.|11C]]\n[[Express your distaste at the decor.|11D]]\n
You dial the rotary from '8', and after a pause, "Hello? Master here." You stutter, "Uh, hi! Hey, so uh, some secret agent guy just took out the sub bay and ran off. Hmm, sign says towards the cafe. Just thought you'd like to know!" He voice brightens, "Oh! Let me just blow it up quick..." A click, then an explosion down the hall, where the agents arms rolls into view. "You got'im sir!" "Ha ha! Finally! Let me send a mobile chair for you." Another click is heard, then a thin metal rod shoots into your ear and all is dark. "Hello? Hello? Oh...shoot. I really need to label these..." YOU ARE DEAD
You walk over to the counter, and lean over it to fill a cup of very hot coffee. Suddenly a hand grabs your wrist and pulls you over, placing your face directly underneath the stream of boiling black bean water. "Too much caffeine will kill you!". After screaming wretchedly, he puts you out of your misery. YOU ARE DEAD
Suddenly it's your turn as the super-spy thrusts a kick towards your chest! You realize you've been clenching your machine gun at the ready for a close quarters fight, and it's too late to do anything about it! The kick hits you squarely, and breaks about a dozen ribs. You fall to the ground and slowly suffocate as your lungs fill with blood. YOU ARE DEAD
You kneel down and tie your shoe at the very moment the agent attempts to kick you in the chest. You stand up quickly, startled, which pushed his extended leg up in the air and he falls to the ground. The other henchmen give off some sort of gentlemanly battle-cry, "Here here!" and dog pile onto the agent.\n\n[[Join the pile!|10D]]\n[[Run up the stairs they were blocking.|10C]]\n
You leap on the pile of henchmen and instantly feel a bit awkward. What do you grab onto? The number of expensive suits wriggling against each other is a bit overwhelming. Suddenly, you smell something odd, and a strange smoke seeps out from the pile. Before you can react, you realize the spy has pulled the pin on some sort of nerve gas grenade which he has surely been trained to be immune to! Your body twitched and writhes for a few moments before finally going still. YOU ARE DEAD
You straighten up your goggles as you approach, but the banana peel still in your hand smears all over them making it hard to see. You turn around taking a few steps while trying to wipe them off, but trip on a bronze platypus, and tumble down the set of stairs you avoided earlier, cracking your skull open at the bottom. YOU ARE DEAD
You straighten your goggles on your face to be presentable. Suddenly your stomach growls with terrifying volume, startling Master as he whips around in his chair and presses a red button, "A ha!". He sees that it's you too late and purses his lips, "Oooo...sorry. Your stomach sounded a bit like a bear...". You don't actually hear the whole sentence as the floor has opened up, and you land into a fluffy pile of kittens bred only to sleep and eat...people. YOU ARE DEAD
The Spy Who Killed Me
You toss the suit aside, machine gun strap around your shoulder, cocked and ready! You open the next door and jump into the hall. A snappy looking henchman spots you, and not recognizing your atire filled your body with rounds before you can say, "Hi!". YOU ARE DEAD
You do your best to tip-toe up, but the rubber shoes they gave you as a minion squeak terribly. Just as you get near the desk the chair whips around and the bald, cat wielding mastermind yells, "GOTCHA!" and fires a pistol! You jump, throwing the banana peel into the air. Your mind reels, wondering why the hell you would sneak up on an evil mastermind! You brain wonders why death is taking so long. Suddenly you hear maniacal laughter from Master, and see that the pistol just shot out a "BANG!" flag. He slaps his desk, "If only-hehe..If only you could see your face!". Suddenly the Master's face looks grim and you hear a voice from behind. "If only you could shee yours." The agent walks towards you and Master with an arrogant grin, which quickly turns to surprise when his foot lands on the banana peel and he slides to the ground, almost on top of you but you jump away. When he hits the floor his gun goes off. Nothing happens for a moment, everyone stunned, but the bullet nipped just enough of a cable holding a chandelier that it snaps, smashing down onto the agent with a loud crunch of bone and tinkle of glass. You did it! The Master is thrilled and you become his right hand man, and eventually he adopts you to take his place when he's gone. YOU HAVE WON!
You straighten up your tie as you approach, "Looks like ABBA and Tom Jones had a baby, and it got into interior decorating!", you say with an irritating smugness. An epic leather chair behind a mahogany desk slowly turns, and a smooth headed figure wielding a white haired cat speaks, "Ah..ha ha that so? What do you think of my magma lamp?" He indicates to a beautiful tube of red blobs, and you step over to it, watching it's gesticulating motions. He presses a button and suddenly the tube opens, and actual blobs of molten rock cover your body, burning parts of you to the bone until your system gives up. YOU ARE DEAD
There will be plenty of time for lunch after all this super spy junk has been dealt with! You walk up to the desk, holding your sub-machine gun casually at your side when you notice Master's face go grim. You're startled by a voice suddenly right behind you, "Mind if I join the party?". Your finger twitches, setting the sub-machine gun off and piercing Master a half a dozen times before the recoil sends rounds up toward the ceiling, and then back down around to the source of the voice, blood staining his super spy outfit. Both bodies are still, and you stand there stunned. You hear a creaking, and look up in time to see a chandelier cable grazed by a bullet snap, and crash down upon you. YOU ARE DEAD
"Better eat something" you decide. The bananas look perfectly ripe, and you quickly devour it. Mmmm! You don't see a trash so you hold onto the peel. Feeling invigorated from the potassium rich snack, you walk towards what you assume is Master's awesome mahogany desk.\n\n[[Sneak up, in case he's resting.|14A]]\n[[There's no time to waste!|14B]]\n
"Mind if I have a...banana?" you ask. "Mmmm." he purrs. The creepiness of it throws you off, and you stand in the middle of the room awkwardly eating the banana. You finish but see no trash can, and nervously fiddle with your tie. Forgetting the peel is in your hands you get banana junk all over it. Wiping at your tie you glance about to see if there is a bathroom you can slip into. Unfortunately you drop the peel in your fumbling near the top of the stairs, catch it with your next step, and tumble all the way down, cracking your skull open at the bottom. YOU ARE DEAD
"Ah, I believe you'll vit in betta as a minion." A gloved hand pats you on the head with condescension thicker than the condensation surely lining the cheap latex. You are sent through a short door with stairs and an elevator only going down.\n\n[[Wait for the elevator.|3B]]\n[[Take the stairs down.|3A]]\n\n
"Mmm...zuch a zhame. I'm avraid Master doesn't much like odd noombers, zo you'll have to go." Before you can utter a sound, the doctor has cut the carotid artery on both sides of your head with two scalpels, shuttering with what you believe is delight. YOU ARE DEAD
"Vell done! They'll have your henchman outvit juzt through zis door." He indicates an heavy steel door and lets you through. You're handed a hanger with an impressive three piece suit, and a sub-machine gun. Suddenly an alarm sounds and the room floods with red.\n\n[[Quickly get into your suit.|3C]]\n[[Grab the gun and investigate.|3D]]\n
You reach back and grab the handle of the knife without even looking, and with a yank, release it towards the agent! He seems genuinely surprised for a moment before his instincts kick in, and it grazes his right arm before puncturing an espresso machine. He dives over the counter and runs down a glass hallway where he begins to scuffle with a group of arriving henchmen.\n\n[[Go assist the henchmen!|12B]]\n[[Find a way to warn Master...|12A]]\n
You admire yourself for a few moments, impressed at the quality of the material. Suddenly an explosion rocks the building, the mirror shattering into a thousand tiny knives perforating most of your body. You look great, but YOU ARE DEAD
You run and dive to slide under a large steel door, time on your side! Unfortunately, the rubber suit grips to the floor and you stop with a squelching sound, directly under the door. Having no federally mandated safety sensors installed, it closes on you, severing your body in two. YOU ARE DEAD
An explosion shakes the building as you poke your head out, the tinkle of broken glass behind you, but the coast seems clear. A sign on the wall reads, "<- Cafe, Submarine Bay ->".\n\n[[Head for the cafe.|5C]]\n[[Check out the submarine bay.|5D]]\n
You take a seat. There's a nudge as the minion you hadn't notice also sitting offers a thermos of coffee. The blaring alarm continues.\n\n[[Ready your harpoon gun.|5B]]\n[[Drink some coffee.|5A]]\n
You bolt after the agent, up a ladder and through a hatch seemingly unaffected by the additional alarm security measures. You toss aside your harpoon and grab a pistol off a corpse, and aim down the hallway as he's sprinting by a fire extinguisher.\n\n[[Shoot to kill.|7A]]\n[[Try for the extinguisher.|7B]]\n
You explore the submarine bay, but only bodies remain. You are the only one left alive. Though not for long, you realize, as you stumble upon a C4 charge the deadly agent left behind, with 3...2...1... YOU ARE DEAD
You make the machine hiss and spray until you have the perfect espresso. Suddenly you have company. "That looksh lovely. Do you mind?" He takes the espresso and sips it, "Double-Oh at your sahvice. That was a bloody fine espresho; I'll let you live for that." He winks as his silenced PP7 encourages the nearby alarm panel to act in a similar manner. Quiet.\n\n[[Laugh as he drinks the poisoned espresso.|7D]]\n[[Thank him and pretend you work there.|7C]]\n
You fumble with the alarm unit on the wall for a few minutes, finally figuring out the menu commands to turn off the alarm. Suddenly you hear a voice behind you, "Thanksh. It was stahting to get on mah nahves." You hear the sound of someone breaking a lasagna noodle, or your neck breaking, but you never get a chance to figure out which it was. YOU ARE DEAD
You straighten up your tie as you approach, noticing a bowl of fresh fruit on a coffee table and how hungry you are, "This is a pretty happenin' pad." An epic leather chair slowly turns from behind a mahogany desk, revealing a smooth scalped man stroking a white cat, "You really think sooo? I dooo like it. Mmmm..."\n\n[[Ask if you can have a banana.|12C]]\n[[Ignore the hunger for now.|12D]]\n
"Correcshion my little friend...I did." In a flash he pulls out his silenced PP7 and releases a round into your heart. YOU ARE DEAD
You lower the pistol and grab the nearby receiver, curly phone wire bouncing around as you try to make out the smeared number to call Master. It looks like a '3', but nearby smudges suggest it could be an '8' as well.\n\n[[Dial it like you see it!|8C]]\n[[Got any eights?|9C]]\n
Placing your finger in the hole marked '3', you turn the plastic dial until the metal hook indicated you are done. You disengage your finger and listen to the short series of clicks in the receiver. A prerecorded message proclaims with a quiet, crackly menace, "Don't be an odd man out." The trap door beneath you opens, and you plunge into a tank of water, filed with, to your surprise, a hybrid horror of a crocodile and scorpion. The Scorpodiles sting and bite mercilessly. YOU ARE DEAD
You bolt down the hallway after him, towards a cafe from a sign you pass. You come upon a Starbucks, and an eerily quiet room...except for the piercing alarm still going.\n\n[[Grab yourself a coffee.|9B]]\n[[Try to turn off the alarm|9A]]\n
You run after the agent, sub-machine gun ready. You notice the henchmen all taking turns to fight, and though puzzled, you don't want to be rude. While you wait for your turn you notice one of your shoes is untied.\n\n[[Kneel down and tie it.|9D]]\n[[Stay focused!|9E]]\n
You walk past the group of henchmen fighting the agent, who are for some reason taking turns. A handicap elevator appears to be available, so you hit the button and wait. You watch the fighting, and realize you have a perfect shot to take out the agent! Aiming carefully, you fire, but the spray ends up killing three henchmen directly around the spy. He looks over at you with a grin, grabs two sub-machine guns from the falling bodies, and riddles you with holes. YOU ARE DEAD
"Screw it" you think to yourself, and you turn away from the panel. The secret agent is leaning over the coffee counter in a strange pose, which you realize moments later is because he had just released a knife into the air, which is now entering your face. The last thing you hear is the agent's voice, "It wash knife you meet you! Ha ha!" YOU ARE DEAD
Jerry Belich